My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
