I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
