I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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