I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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