This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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