I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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