Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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