my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
