My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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