I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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