Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
two words...techno handjob
a search helicopter?!
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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