So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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