I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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