Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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