How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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