cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
