I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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