I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
