I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
