my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
