Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Randomize
