she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize