he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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