my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
