Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
