I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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