the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
