My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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