You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
