genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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