I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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