Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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