i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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