The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I could make wine with my vomit
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
It's shark week go big or go home
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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