if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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