you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
