Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
