new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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