my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
A bitchslap is in order.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
