I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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