I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
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