I accidentally had phone sex last night
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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