Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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