how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
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