I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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