They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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