he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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