hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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