Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
