Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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