At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
