Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
