Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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