You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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