Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
