pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
