In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize