Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
