As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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