In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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