my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
