No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
