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Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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