Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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