what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
