What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
